December 9th, 2008

Lj Idol: In Which I Ruin Any Prospect I Might Have Had

I shrink away from this topic, sexual healing, or any variant of it everytime it's posted, because I haven't wanted to tell this story. But as I keep being nudged with it, I guess the time has come. The fact that I'm even doing this probably shows that I'm just this side of crazy.

Remember that entry I wrote about my genetic disorder? I mostly focused on how it effects my hearing. Well unfortunately, there is also a sexual component. Yeah, as in I have little to no sex drive. I've been told by a specialist that the same issues that keep blood from flowing freely through the vesels in my ears, causing my hearing to decrease over time, also keep blood from going to other, shall we say important areas?

So what does this make me. Less of a man? Unfit for companionship? Gay? All of these possibilities have run through my head at some point or other over the last few years, during which I've discovered just how important sexuality is to identity and forming meaningful romantic attachments with others.

I suppose if I define "less of a man" as not being as assertive as I would like, then yeah it may well have something to do with that. Lacking that sexual confidence makes it difficult for me to feel strongly about myself and what I'm saying or doing in several other areas as well.

And in regards to companionship: pretty much everytime I reveal this difficulty, the woman runs away. Not that I blame her, I suppose, but this is still tough on the ol ego. Does sex essentially equal love? Do you not get to hold hands, cuddle, come home after a long day's work knowing that you've got someone specific who supports you, or do any of the other things that make being with someone great? I'm guessing the answer to these questions is yes.

The only thing I know I'm not is gay. I don't have any kind of an attraction to men at all. In fact, I'm very much physically attracted to women. It's just that my poor body is a freak of nature.

Might there be any hope for me yet? Of course, there's a billion-dollar industry whose express purpose it is to help those of us who find ourselves in such a predicament. Drugs of every kind, therapies, etc., seek to make you comfortable with your body or vastly improve your functioning.

The only problem here is that it's kind of difficult for me to explore these options alone. And I'm obviously nervous about taking on another partner, just in case none of them actually works and I have to go through that kind of disappointment again.

So, I'm honestly not sure if this problem will ever be solved for me. I do hope so, as from what I can tell, there seems to be no greater pleasure.